Note: Some Coarse Language Used

sniff...

today was such a disappointing day of my entire life...

i went to tuition as usual today, at 3pm i went to meet my mum. i reached home at 7.30pm and because of that, my dad became angry. he sent me this message:

"If you like go stay with her and never come back. Don't call me dad."

i was shocked. i've been out with my mum every saturday ever since i could remember... and now this?

i went to bathe... he sent me 3 other messages:

1 - "are you home yet?"
2 - "SO YOU WANT TO REPLY MY MESSAGES RIGHT!!!"
3 - "you are on your own from today onwards."

i've only seen these messages when i was out. i replied, saying that i was bathing... but he never replied.

at about 8.30pm, he came back, with his black and f**king face. we have not talked since.

at 11pm, after watching channel u, i went back to my room, getting ready to sleep... i found these wet laundry hung in my bed, and the floor was wet. i asked my grandma who washed those. she replied, with her 'qian da' face, "I dunno!" so i went to spin dry those laundry. she came to 'help', like the usual busybody she is. she mumbled about her mistake to have agreed my dad to take care of us...

i went back to my room, typing this entry. she is still watching me... and she followed me... my grandpa came too, also showing his 'you owe me money' face... and poking his nose at what happened (which was me blogging)...

this situation happens almost everyday of my life... can i have a real family???

why can't i go out with m y mum??? she IS my biological mum and nothing can replace that. dad have been okay with it, they fought custody of me and my bro, my dad won but he agreed in court to let her meet me and my bro every saturday for the whole day. the judge accepted the request. as years come by, my time with my mum has shortened. school, tuition, events just have to come on saturdays... now my day and grandma is somehow protesting over me meeting my mum. is this even logical??? i have grown up and need my own privacy and space. forbidding me to meet my mum is just... oh forget it, you all wouldn't understand how i feel now... the mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment and confusion...

life would not be so great without my dad... my handphone, my laptop, my education... but life would also be dull without my mother... my listening ear and comfort... i like being with my mum, the sense of warmth and motherly love... yet i can feel it only on saturdays... i can only talk about my sadness and happiness with my mum... as for my dad, he does not understand me... to be exact, my WHOLE family do not understand me... they only perceive me and that's it... they do not find out anything else about me... other than telling ordering me to do this do that... decisions are often done by my dad and i cannot do anything about it.

as a teen, family support is important... yet with this kind of family, how can get this support?

in school, although i have friends, the numbers are minute... only a few true friends... i am being teased that i look pale... although you all can laugh about it and i laugh with you, as if i don't mind and take it as a joke, i feel a sense of depression within me... why am i born like this????

being in this family makes me feel utterly disappointed.....


does my life end here??????


can i end here?




can i vanish????



can i ....